[Madrid diametrically opposed to Berlin and Budapest, floral, still, you have your desolate and rotten neighborhoods, drugs, shit, disgrace, but the temperament is different in Madrid. Why is that? How far is the danger in days, in kilometers? Madrid, city of thieves, Madrid, city of whores. Madrid, the constant ever-changing putrid stench, how I love you. You’re like the bitch I let run wild at the back of the house. She’d wander home some nights after days of abandon with the carcass of another dog she’d killed. She’d lie with it near the house in whatever darkness remained and then take it back out to the fields, burying it, I assumed, at dawn. I wonder why she treated those carcasses that way, like kin, and I wonder why I wonder it. Men have no sanction here. Thirty thousand years ain’t shit next to four and a half billion…]
Category: Fiction
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Deconstructionist, pt. III
A memory plagued with holes rendered my creative apparatus impotent, and I retired within the year. It was by far the most difficult decision I’ve made. My colleagues provided support at a respectful distance as I pondered the end of a career, the end of a lifetime of designing and constructing. All I’d ever known was that I was alive and I was a builder. But that foundation was now gone, forcing me to discover something else, to be something else.
Brain damage due to seizures cast the world into a pall both surreal and morose. I maintained my office much as if working normally. It gave me an objective each day and held me close to the creative process. I observed my peers and encouraged them as I continued to lose clarity and understanding. At night idleness assailed me and I wandered the rooms of my home looking for anything of interest, picking books from shelves and walking about with them, reading aloud. I chose not to sleep but rather use my waking time searching those winter months for a new reason to live.
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an excerpt from Esperanza’s story
Esperanza paddled her way across the limitless expanse, her arms tired to the bone or past the bone to a place unnamed but doubtless real. Reflected in her eyes a sun red as fire began to wink out below the distant horizon of the sea and the girl wondered if she weren’t upon the waters of an alien world. Having been in the watercraft for so many days, she wondered if her legs would carry her when she finally arrived at land. Wind reached her from a distant place, carrying with it air chilled and fragrant with moist earth. She was getting close.
And from the silence into her awareness with sonic command, an unanticipated explosion of light and sound, the two ghastly creatures from the woods skimmed atop the water from afar directly toward her, incredibly fast. As they approached she failed to see their faces shrouded deep within their hoods.
We warned you once, one of them said in a high-pitched voice.
The creature lifted its bony arms into the darkening gradient and two balls of white light swelled and shot toward Esperanza, upending her raft and tossing her into the water. She had difficulty orienting herself in the water, cold and dark as it was. When she resurfaced the creatures hovered above her. Long bony fingers like twigs wrapped around her head and plucked her from the water, sending her airborne, floating through the air, a spaceward missile tumbling headlong back the way she’d paddled, thinking it was much colder up here, twenty meters above the water, and how serene it all seemed from this high up, how clear the moon was, ashen and pure and silent, how peaceful.
When she slammed back into the water all the air in her lungs evacuated from the shock of impact and her body somersaulted downward, downward at the mercy of the sea, the water dark and immense and silent, our friend a sleeping ballerina in perhaps her final solo performance…
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Cells
Wade ponders the pivotal moments in his life, the decisions he’s made and how his experience would be different had he chosen another option. He writes about what might have happened had he not come to the end of the alley that night at the theatre, what might have happened to him had he not followed the green-eyed girl into the city wild with dawn. The papers are filthy and black from his hands and clothes and he sits with his back to the warm noontime brick writing that he’d probably still be on the streets or in jail, running and hiding until starved, faceless and nameless. Maybe he’d get sick or overdose or a crazed junkie would open him up with a blade, spilling his cells into the gutter. Maybe the cops would kill him, gun him down on purpose or beat him a little too much by mistake. And if they didn’t kill him they’d release him cold and broke to some other place where he’d try to establish himself, get a job and some clean clothes, trying desperately to evade everyone with their stares and whispers but above all the cops, living in a cell in his mind, only to be arrested for trespass or some misdemeanor and thrown into another (physical) cell.
He thinks about the moments that brought him to this place, writing them in reverse order with his cheap ballpoint, the ink black as his cuticles. He has not written about what might have happened had he remained in his childhood home because quite simply he hasn’t thought about it. Staying there wasn’t an option; some of his earliest memories are of formulating escape plans. Wade’s psychological state is such that to revisit that terror from long ago is to unleash its wrath in full upon the entire emotional apparatus.
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Deconstructionist, pt. II
Years passed and I worked steadily to hoist my reputation back to respectability, reemerging into culture slowly at first, cautiously, then embracing an awkward public image, stoic but proud of my achievements and (sparse) praise from my contemporaries. Perhaps what I am most proud of during that period isn’t that my name was synonymous with genius but with decency. The product of obsessive work afforded me material luxuries far beyond my modest means, so I opened an architecture school in Los Angeles and donated sums to several charities there. I hadn’t any use for money beyond what my work demanded of me, and neither did I seek love or romance in my life beyond what building always supplied. I was alone but social, confused by most everything beyond architecture and forms, contented in solitude and absolute creative freedom.
Three days before my fortieth birthday I suffered a stroke and woke in the hospital to what I can only describe as a brighter world. A strange natural light permeated the room, much different from any previous light I’d known, more revealing. Light broken into particles, granules of light refracting and dissolving into nothing, then compounding into a prismatic synthesis. Even now the words are inadequate to describe the experience. It was an event or variation in the world that I couldn’t compare to the old world, for that was gone forever. It was as if someone had removed the eyes from my head and calibrated them, polished them, or as if a shadow that I hadn’t seen cloaked about the world had lifted.
Unfortunately the clarity proved brief. Several days passed before I regained strength enough to work. Tirelessly I designed and built, built and designed, but just months after the first stroke I suffered another, and a slow recovery yielded to memory loss, minimal at first but then intensified and irreversible, as if the cloak over the world had reappeared but only in my mind. I returned to work as before but something was different—I was changed. I couldn’t remember details. I developed tremors in my sketching hand and often hurled drafting instruments in anger and frustration. Never before had I felt incapable of building as I wanted, as a project demanded. My focus and energy waned. I was plagued with headaches.
The untethered mind wanders freely about the caverns of memory, but many of my memories had fled me, or I’d fled them, alone to meander the empty caves at whim. Naturally my output suffered and rather than continue to build badly or beneath my potential or wait for my colleagues to suggest it, I took a voluntary break from work and fled to the mountains, driving without respite until I ran out of fuel. The days were dreams and the nights were inscrutable. I drove through endless winding roads of shadow until dawn, intoxicated and cleansed. I slept a few hours in the car and drove again, taking the mountain curves as fast as I could. For two days and two nights I traveled those lonely ghost roads somewhere between here and there, a world of fleeting memories opened wide in irony on one side of me, the cold demanding earth at the other. I belonged in neither, searching for my new place, careening narrow precipices of unwinding fate.
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The accident [revisited]
An early evening sky redolent with smoke and the sun’s reddish pall greet Wade when he leaves the library, and there it is, immediately, without warning or preamble, a pedestrian on the far side of the lawn near the physics building bent over and beating a dog (presumably his own, though there is no justification for Wade’s assumption) with closed fists, as if it were an enemy or threat, as if the man—no older than Wade but certainly not younger—must beat the dog to defend himself from it, as if the dog had attacked him and the man has no other choice but to become the aggressor, he has no other option than to punch the dog in its head, repeatedly, right fist after thundering right fist into the dog’s neck and body, the man’s left hand tugging on the leash tethered about the animal’s neck to keep it from fleeing but also to maneuver or situate the dog’s head for a more suitable location for the next blow. Wade doesn’t understand at first, he thinks he’s hallucinating, he shakes his head and stares at the man beating the dog and he walks toward the event, for that’s what it has become for him, an event, equal to any other catastrophe or unexplainable episode of violence he’s experienced in his forty years. It can’t be, he thinks, walking across the lawn toward the man and the whimpering animal, it can’t be, I’m seeing things, my mind is playing tricks on me, it can’t be a man beating a dog—again, presumably his own—they must be playing with each other, rough-housing, wrestling on the grass, performing some type of esoteric ritual or physical exercise, so intimate must be their companionship. Confused, Wade ambles over pale grass covered in goose shit, and something’s happening in Wade’s brain, the event before him has triggered unfamiliar and uncommon neural activity and Wade’s thinking it must be the odd copper glaze of the sun over everything, it’s the light and it’s the heat playing with his mind. Closer he approaches the man and dog and his mind confirms what his eyes see, it is indeed a man beating a dog with the full bearing of his right arm and with a stifled yelp the dog ceases its squirming and slumps on the ground unconscious, still and incapable of either fighting back or fleeing, perhaps even dead. This man just beat that dog to death! Wade says aloud, his voice a whisper or slightly more than an exhale, and the man, grunting and heaving short barks of his own, his eyes nightmarishly wide and focused down on his target, continues to pummel the animal’s head, the blows a bit more spread apart now as the man wearies, the dog’s body absorbing each rhythmic blast. The man suddenly registers Wade’s presence and stops beating the animal to stand erect, his chest heaving with exertion. He sees Wade and stands with fists down at his sides but still clenched, he says to Wade smiling but with his eyes mad, Fucking animals!
Wade feels the liquid-electric spasm originate somewhere in his neck or at the base of the skull and shoot down through the shoulder blades toward the small of the back and reach the pelvis all at once and then he collapses face-first onto the lawn, eyes wide, the right side of his mouth pulled back in a tight rictus, surreal and garish. Wade’s spine snaps audibly straight and his hands crack into claws and he convulses from each muscle in his body all at once, or so thinks the dog-beater, bending down to assist Wade as he lay facedown. Mister? the man says. A redbird overhead circles about the incident peering down indifferently and then the bird tires of the scene and shits mid-air to fly westward into the receding light.
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excerpt: on breeding
On breeding: Human beings in the post-quake world should breed more conscientiously and take all necessary precautions so as not to confuse natural sexual action with the carelessness of rampant population. Men and women in the pre-quake world proved how quickly the human germ could spread and cover the surface of the globe. The growth was so fast and uncontrolled that the allocation of resources became problematic and, some would argue, eventually led to the ruination of the human race. The great quake’s antithesis wiped clean much of the Earth’s human population (among other creatures, now extinct), and has left the post-quake synthesis for human beings to ruminate exactly what our responsibilities are when considering breeding. Does a particular person need one child or seven children? How should that person address his or her sexuality according to those needs?
The post-quake human must hold him or herself accountable for all actions, including sexual behavior; without surrendering our natural sexual appetites, surely we can find a way to better manage our reproductive volume. Each man and woman should be conscientious and personally liable, and we must discover a way to incorporate this principle into the individual ethical framework; for sexual conscientiousness is a matter of the individual and of no other other authority.
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Outlaw
How many of you would die for literature, he asked them.
All ten of them raised a hand. It was warm in the room and the man stood at the front, pacing slowly with his hands clasped at the small of his back, as if bound there. His eyes were wide and cast down to the tile before him.
The students in the room watched, waiting, a few of them nervous but the rest empowered by the speaker’s words and intensity. In that room they had a common bond, they shared warmth and their love of free expression, the exchange of ideas. They shared the homeland and they shared respect for the professor, the ex-professor, fugitive, translator of banned works, outlaw and dedicated man of letters.
Before you join us you must submit to losing everything, all that you have, everything you’ve built.
The room was silent. The man paced, his head down.







